My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
