My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
