I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
