T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
