Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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