Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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