All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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