i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
