he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
