You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
