He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
