Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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