he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
