My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
