The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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