What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
