just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
