billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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