We named our party play list daddy issues
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
