I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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