Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
