god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
