Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
