This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
