? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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