I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
