Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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