It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
