a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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