oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I just sharted jello shots
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