he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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