i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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