dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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