Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
