Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
