I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
