The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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