I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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