I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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