My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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