Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize