I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
