there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
