true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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