I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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