Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
