Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
