I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
