This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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