my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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