my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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