There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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