I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
