You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
