see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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