Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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