It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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