Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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