when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize