Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize