Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
