it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
